Sometimes we parents are with our children, take them to school, feed them, get their homework done, but still it feels as if we are not in the driving seat of their lives,
but have become passengers sitting in the backseat. Passenger parenting is when you are physically present, but are unable to guide them emotionally,
mentally or actively. And it is not just you, many parents fall into this trap unknowingly.
In this article, we will know what is passenger parenting and how to stop it, what are its clear signs, and how you can again become a strong and wise guide in your child’s life.
What is Passenger Parenting?
In simple words, Passenger Parenting is a parenting style in which the parents themselves step back and refuse to sit in the driving seat of the child’s life, even though the child desperately needs that guidance.
Passenger Parenting: Parents do not interfere in their child’s decisions. They think that the child will learn from experience on his own – even if he is making mistakes or moving in the wrong direction.
Sometimes this attitude of parents comes from fear, fatigue, guilt or self-doubt, and sometimes thinking that “our child needs freedom”, parents pull back.
But the problem arises when the child starts feeling directionless from within. He does not understand what is right and what is wrong.
He does not get the emotional and moral guidance that he needs. And gradually his confidence and decision-making skills start weakening.
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Passenger Parenting Meaning
Parent but not a leader: Such parents are present in the lives of children, but do not show them the direction of right and wrong.
- Lack of discipline: The boundaries and discipline are not clear at home, due to which children start taking their own decisions whether they are right or not.
- Supportive but inactive: These parents provide emotional support, but do not get involved in active parenting roles. Burden of responsibility on kids: Children have to take every small and big decision on their own, which can affect their mental health.
- Need for balance: Passenger parenting is not completely wrong, but it is important for the child to balance it so that the child becomes confident and also gets guidance.
Signs of Passenger Parenting
Passenger Parenting means when parents are present in the child’s life, but do not actively lead it – like passengers sitting in the back of a car who are just watching the journey, but not deciding the direction.
This is part of the Passive Parenting Style, in which parents distance themselves from important decisions, boundaries and emotional support.
For example, if your child is on mobile for hours and you think “at least he is happy”, then you are probably in Passenger Mode.
According to research (Journal of Child and Family Studies, 2020), children of such parents are often weak in self-reliance, discipline and emotional stability.
When parents don’t guide, children feel that they can decide everything on their own without direction, which is risky in the long run.
So, if you keep thinking, “What should I do now?”, then it’s time to stop and think are you also practicing Passenger Parenting?
How to Know If You’re a Passive Parent
- You avoid taking decisions: If you postpone every big or small decision of your children by saying “whatever the child wants is fine”, then this can be a sign of passenger parenting. Active parenting means giving boundaries and guidance thoughtfully.
- You do not participate in children’s activities: If you just remain a listener in school projects, sports, or emotional talks, and do not take initiative – then this is a sign of distance from parenting.
- You are afraid to give direction to children: Do you feel that giving guidance may seem like restricting the child? Actually, setting limits is a form of care, and it makes the child feel emotionally secure.
- Your focus is limited to physical presence only: Being at home is not parenting. Involved parenting means being actively involved in the mental, emotional, and social development of the child.
- You avoid discussing the mistakes of children: If you remain silent every time thinking “what should I say now”, then the child is not able to learn accountability and values.
- You are always busy with technology or your work: Nowadays distracted parenting is also a modern version of passive parenting, where you are mentally absent even when you are physically present.
- You consider parenting only as a “responsibility”, not a connection: If the conversations between you and your child are limited only to study, meal or sleep time, then you need to work on your emotional connection.
Why Do Parents Become Passive?
In today’s modern life, every parent wants to be the “best” for their child, but in this effort, many times they end up becoming co-passengers that is, they are together, but the steering is not in their hands.
Now the question is what is passenger parenting and how to stop it? So first let’s understand why this is happening.
Below are some big and deep psychological and societal reasons, which are promoting passenger parenting in today’s times:
Guilt and Passive Parenting
Due to divorce, long work schedule or guilt of not being able to give much time to children, many parents stop taking decisions. They think “at least the child is happy” but this thinking makes them passive.
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From Toxic to Passive Parenting
Parents who have spent their childhood in a strict or toxic environment, want to give their children exactly the opposite. But while doing so, they do not set boundaries and become a passenger.
Fear & Emotional Disconnection
Many times parents do not interrupt thinking that the child’s feelings may get hurt. But remember, no guidance is also a form of neglect.
Impact of Screens on Parenting
Being physically present and emotionally/mentally absent this has become the identity of today’s passive parenting style. The world of screens has diverted the attention of parents from children.
Trying Too Hard to Be the “Cool Parent”
Some parents become friends of the child, but cannot become leader or guide. They avoid discipline so that they do not seem “boring” – but this can make the child directionless.
Effects of Passenger Parenting on Kids
Imagine, you are with your child everyday, yet there is a distance somewhere he does not share anything with you, you do not even know about his decisions and his decisions are not affected by you.
If all this is happening in your family too, then it is possible that you have also become a Passenger Parent.
In the beginning, it seems that we are giving “space” to the children or becoming a “cool parent” but when guidance and leadership disappear completely, the children find their way alone.
And this is where long-term emotional and behavioral gaps start forming. Because when parents disappear from the child’s decision-making or just remain silent to ‘avoid conflict’,
then long-term developmental issues start emerging in the children and imbalance is seen in their life. Below we have described some of the main long term effects of passenger parenting.
1. Decision-making skill weakens
When parents do not guide the child or due to being busy give so much freedom to the child that he takes all his decisions himself,
then it has some advantages like he becomes self-confident but if limits are not set then it has many disadvantages like the child’s decision-making skill weakens.
And parents keep thinking that “the child is intelligent himself”, “he will do whatever he wants”, or “we should not interrupt”
we think the child is happy with this but the child starts getting trapped in a deep mental confusion inside.
When the responsibility of taking all the decisions is left to the children every time, then fear and mental fatigue is found more in children even in small decisions.
Why Kids Struggle Emotionally
You have to understand that decision-making is a skill and just like reading and writing is taught, similarly this is also taught by the parents.
If a child is not taught to read and write his language properly, he will not be able to perform well in the exams.
Similarly, if his decision-making skills are not improved by his parents, he will not be able to take good decisions and will have to face many difficulties.
Because, in the absence of proper guidance, the child gets contradictory signals from the outside world – teachers say one thing,
friends say another thing, social media says something else – and the child gets confused by taking information from all sides.
Burden of Passive Parenting
Passenger parenting means parenting where the parent is “just present”, “absent in the decisions of the child’s life despite being present”.
Whenever the child needs some direction, advice or gently boundaries, he always walks away saying “Do whatever you want to do, I will not interfere, do not bother me, do whatever you want to do, I am busy, why do you ask me every time, learn to think for yourself too”.
Parents use these kinds of sentences. Sometimes it is just to make the child responsible but by doing this every time, the child starts taking decisions himself and you become a passenger parent by becoming a part of passenger parenting.
Initially the child thinks it is freedom, but gradually
- He does not know “what is right and what is wrong?
- He repeatedly becomes dependent on the opinions of others
- He does not trust himself, so he makes many mistakes (sometimes even big mistakes)
- And if he makes a wrong decision – he is filled with guilt and regret and this mistake makes him regret it for the rest of his life.
Long-Term Damage to Decision-Making
Such a child grows up looking for some “external approval” at every turn of life. He is afraid of taking his own decisions and becomes less self-confident.
He looks independent, but feels hollow from inside. And then he feels “If only mom and dad had given me some clarity, had told me the boundaries, had held on a little, then I would have been better off today.
Keep in mind that to make a child self-reliant, it is important to give him the freedom to take decisions, but the purpose of this article is to tell you that boundaries are needed for this too, otherwise the situation can get worse.
2. Lack of Emotional Support in Parenting
In Passenger Parenting, parents are present in the house, but not in the mind of the child. They feed the child, drop him to school, get him good clothes but when the child is sad or wants to share something, they don’t have time.
It is just like you have a mobile but no network. The child feels that there are people around him, but no one understands him.
Slowly, he starts hiding his thoughts, gets used to loneliness and starts feeling emotionally isolated.
This loneliness can later lead to depression, low self-worth and lack of trust. This is the most overlooked effect of Passenger Parenting. Parents are emotionally absent even though they are present.
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3. Low Resilience in Kids
When parents clear the way before every small problem in passenger parenting – so that the child does not feel sad – then the child does not learn to fight the difficulties.
When the child does not fall, he does not know how to get up on his own. When he does not have to struggle for anything, he does not understand the value of hard work and waiting.
Such children get scared in small failures – like making a mistake in homework, a friend getting upset, then they break down, start crying or get angry.
To become strong from within, it is important that the child experiences some pain, faces some failure – so that he can learn to face the reality of life,
and not run away from every difficulty. This is a major sign of passenger parenting that the child is unable to tolerate adversity.
4. Disconnected Yet Smart – A Hidden Struggle
Children of today are connected to technology, are also active – but are they equally connected to their parents? In Passenger Parenting, parents often think that their child is happy because he is smiling, playing outside or doing well in class.
But the truth is that if you look inside his mind, you will find that he is hiding his feelings.
When you do not understand his emotions or talk about them, he starts sharing his feelings with friends or on social media. He does not always get the right direction from there.
This disconnect can be so deep that even when he really needs you, he will not come to you. This disconnect is often related to parenting styles and their effects, and is more visible in passive or passenger parenting.
5. Identity Crisis from Poor Parenting Style
When parents step back from the children’s life, the child tries to understand himself and decide what he wants to become. But without any direction.
He does not feel that the path he is walking is his own or just a method learned from the circumstances.
It is only through the presence of parents that the child knows that his thoughts, his choices and his feelings matter.
But when he does not get this feeling, he starts molding himself by looking at others so that he can fit in and be accepted. He remains silent, but remains confused from within.
This confusion gradually turns into the question “Who am I?” And this is where passenger parenting harms the child the most – his own identity starts getting blurred.
This confusion often comes when parents do not play an active role in Passenger vs Active Parenting.
6. Weak Boundaries in Kids
If the child gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants, as much as he wants – then how will he understand the value of discipline?
In Passenger Parenting, parents are afraid to say “no” to every demand of the child. They do not stop him for fear that the child might get sad or angry.
But because of this, the child never understands the meaning of boundaries. He thinks that the world will treat him the same way as his home does.
The result is that he does not know how to tolerate rejection, does not know how to bear frustration and when someone does not listen to him, he gets angry or breaks down.
Such children later struggle in both professional and personal life because they lack self-control and patience.
This is where we have to make the role of parenting active by understanding the meaning of passenger parenting.
How to Stop Being a Passenger Parent
Passenger parenting can be changed and one can become a good and responsible parent again.
You will be surprised to know that due to passenger parenting, children and parents do not talk much to each other, so an American study found that about 40% children feel a lack of emotional connection with their parents,
which affects the long-term mental health and security of children. This is due to passenger parenting, while another research It has been told that when parents play or talk with children without any distraction
for just 10 minutes or guide or help them whenever required and play an active role in their life, then this clearly improves the emotional attachment and communication skills of the child and he becomes more confident and strong personality.
It is necessary to give freedom to the child to become self-reliant but with limits otherwise he can go astray, that is why you have to change passenger parenting and become a better parent of your child.
How to Be More Involved as a Parent
When we, despite being parents, do not get time to look into the eyes of our child, then we unknowingly become a part of passenger parenting.
This does not mean that we are bad parents but it means that in the hustle and bustle of life, our focus remains only on ‘responsibilities’ and not on the ‘family relationship’.
Here we will tell you some small but effective steps that will help you become an emotionally available and truly present parent so that your child gets not just your shadow but also your love, listening and company and you too can come out of passenger parenting.
Presence Starts with Eye Contact
When the child wants to tell something, are you looking at the mobile with your head bent? This habit creates the biggest disconnect.
Try to look at the child’s face completely whenever he shares something, talk by looking into his eyes.
This will make the child feel that you are giving importance to what he says and this will also ensure that you avoid passenger parenting because you will give thoughtful advice to the child and understand his point deeply,
which will strengthen the relationship between you and the child and you can give instructions to the child according to the situation.
Practice Daily Connection Time
Keep at least 15 minutes of time every day in which there is no mention of studies, no scolding, no agenda, only you and your child,
talk as a human being and do some fun activity or gardening, this will increase the child’s trust in you and in this way you will be able to know all the difficulties and challenges of his life and avoid becoming a passenger parent.
Active Listening Without Interrupting
In Passenger Parenting, often parents take the child’s words lightly or give him permission to do whatever he wants to do but do not disturb us and often say “not now son”, “tell me later”, “there is no substance in the words”.
These things have a deep impact on the child because he understands that when you are not interested in his words and you have also given him permission to do whatever he wants, then he can take every decision himself.
In this way, parents become a part of passenger parenting and the child starts making decisions for himself because he was given permission but his opinion was not heard.
Therefore, give importance to the child’s opinion and listen to him completely and then definitely give your opinion so that he can get the right direction.
Make Time for Weekly Bonding
Choose one day every week when you spend some time alone with the child, whether it is going to the park,
eating ice cream or just going for a walk, this way the child knows that you have a “dedicated space” for him and he is very important in your life.
The big advantage of this will be that the child will definitely ask for your opinion before doing any work, this will mean that 40% of the problems that come in his life will not come from your opinion
because he got your opinion at the right time which saved him from getting into trouble.
Therefore, fix one “Parent-Child Date” in the week, this ritual takes you out of the passenger mode and makes you an actively engaged parent.
Set Tech-Free Family Time
Keep the phone aside at the dinner table or before going to bed and talk to the child. By doing this, you create an environment where emotional connection becomes a priority. The child realizes that he is more valuable than technology and this awareness ends passenger parenting.
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Say Things That Build Trust
Passenger parents often give advice, but do not show support to the child. The main reason for this is that they are busy in their lives due to stress, job, work pressure and to avoid stress and some responsibilities,
they often give some freedom to the child to take decisions. But if this happens for a long time,
it becomes passenger parenting in which the child starts taking all the decisions himself and the opinion of the parents has no importance.
Therefore, it is important that the parents handle this situation. When the child asks for any advice from you, give him advice and tell him “I am with you”.
These simple words strengthen your child’s emotional security and make you a real, connected parent and this makes your child perform better whereas when he takes his own decisions,
his confidence is a little less. Only your opinion and your strong words will make your child a strong personality.
Note: With the help of these measures, you can become an active and good parent. Keep in mind that to make a child self-reliant, it is necessary to give him freedom, but only within limits.
Understand this with an example: If a race horse is not taught to run in the right direction,
then he will also be like ordinary horses and will never be able to win the race because running is the job of every horse and only a horse that runs in the right direction can become a race horse.
If his owner makes him run without any limits and boundaries, then he will never be able to become a race horse because instructions and rules are necessary to be successful in any work.
Therefore, you should give freedom to your child, but also give your instructions so that he can understand life properly and become self-reliant.
Conclusion Of Passanger Parenting
If you want to be a good parent, just physical presence is not enough. The child needs emotional support, proper guidance, and bonding, which is often missing in passenger parenting.
Such parents just follow the routine, but are unable to touch the child’s heart. This affects the child’s mental health, self-confidence, and understanding of relationships.
If you want your child to trust you, then do not limit your presence to just appearances. Adopt Active and Present Parenting – where you are a part of the child’s life and also his emotional support. This is true parenting.